Friendship? Part I

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I’m going to keep part 1 brief, as this type of conversation tends to evoke quite a bit of emotion lately.

I can’t remember a time in my life when I didn’t have friends. Even when I was homeless briefly in Colorado where I knew literally no one, I ended up with a handful of life long buddies. I truly do not see my life as anywhere near the same without the people surrounding me.

They fall out sometimes though don’t they? Sometimes its brutal and final. Sometimes it’s accidental and seemingly for no reason. Sure, you see each others posts on social media, give them a few likes, that doesn’t count – we’ll save social media for a future post. 

Someone wonderful returned into my life recently, and with the use of instinct in correlation with logic (see previous post) I decided this is a beyond great thing to happen and it is the best thing for me. This person wasn’t only my best friend before, but much more than that. Reconnecting with that type of force after losing it is a strong smack in the face. So many feelings and thoughts, fears and concerns, and above all: hope. 

But what happens when that person tells you of bad things your other friends did during the separation? How they disrespected you, talked bad about you, or completely disregarded you. See, I have already cut a lot of bad fruit from the tree lately, through mistrust to complete belligerent anger, so my friends list has lowered considerably. Then you get new information that others wronged you. It makes you think who I’ve wronged. Do I accidentally slip away from people? Talk smack about them? UGGGHHH…..

This post is part one for a reason. I have so much more to say. So much more to search for. People are so hard to deal with. It’s hard to be one! But I am not ashamed to admit that I need them. We all are experiencing this reality in a different and very personal way. I’m going to try to see things from others perspective to see if I can crack the code on this batshit existence.

Instinct VS. Logic

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Sorry for my tardiness my people. Life tends to come at you fast and always dish out a random number of stresses and encounters you weren’t prepared for. I’ll try to keep my consistency in check from here on out.

As I said above, life is messy. My life this year alone so far has been CRAZY as hell. Not that I would have it any other way, but it does make one think. When I have too much free time I tend to ponder down rabbit holes. From which I usually come back unscathed….. sometimes.

I had a conversation with a good friend a few months ago regarding the gut, and whether or not it should be trusted. I went on to argue that brain and logic should be priority first for the gut may not be able to be trusted. The friend said that was bull hockey, and that they always trust the gut. It was a short conversation. I didn’t give it much thought until recently.

I think I made logic a priority because I had made so many stupid decisions in the past. Things that lead to people being hurt, losing opportunities, or lost people I loved. The truth is I was just hazily riding through life, on auto pilot. Sure I used to trust my gut, but I had no brain involved in situations. As I continue to try to better myself and my life situation, I have found an important thought: The gut and the brain live in me, idiot.

Both of these VERY important elements of me, are apart of me. They both serve a purpose. Things keep happening for me. Jobs, friendships, relationships, wonderful fun things, bad things.  Have you ever deliberately tried to work with just logic or just the gut? I tried a whole day at work only using my gut. I got angry, made mistakes, and ended up being suspended for three days. When I came back I tried to be completely logical. And in turn wasn’t the most helpful to my fellow co-workers. These two things must merge to have a good and fulfilling life. It’s time they tie the knot.

Create a union between instinct and logic. Gut and brain. Make sure those fuckers are best friends. Your life might depend on it. Scary concept sure, but helpful all the same. This is so crazy to me. I sit down to write, and I end up being my own therapist. This is drugs. This is medicine for me. From this moment on I must trust my gut, and bring my brain into all situations. Let us see where this takes us, shall we?

 

 

 

Dreaming Alone

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Something I’ve never cared to admit is that I am afraid of being alone. Even to myself most of the time. I’m not really sure where this sensation comes from. I’ve had family and friends almost always in life, supporting and putting up with me. I’m not being so cliché as to say this has to do with having or not having a lover either. Lately I have felt TRULY alone. You know what? It might be the most important feeling in my life.

Having been such a different person five months ago is weird. I considered myself a piece of shit and at a very low point. Depression, anger, and any other negative emotion one can think of. Now today, five months later, I am a far superior version of myself. Now I am more thoughtful, kind, careful, have bigger commitment, and I am happier and healthier than I’ve been in a long time. In such a short time. That is what is scary. If you have in your twenties, hopefully a good sixty years left on Earth….. and for life to change so drastically in a matter of months… god my head hurts. In 5 months I could devolve into an even worse person than before. In 5 more months I could be successful and buff and incredibly kind-hearted. 

Everything is so shaky in the balance. Everyone states that we go through ‘phases’. I don’t think that is true. We change so rapidly. Those phases were really us just on different levels. We were higher, we were lower, we were even lower, and then higher than we have ever been. I feel like, if I make a promise to stay true to myself, be alone, FEEL the alone. Get to know myself on a deeper level and grow. Practice consistency, practice patience. Be the best version of myself. No more phases. Be aware of the highs and lows and know I am in control. The only way I will be able to do this, is alone.

Being alone isn’t something to fear. It is a gift. I have at this very moment the most opportunities to make myself awesome. No one to answer to. No one to get lower with. Being alone is a superpower. Now is my time to shine. Buckle your seatbelts.

 

I know I said I would post more. I have three different things that I am going to post, but they felt to rough to put out just yet. Hope you enjoy them when they come. One more letter left.

Breaking down the barriers Part I

I have never considered myself religious. Although for a few years now, I have become somewhat spiritual. This began when I started to question the universe, existence, and why we are really here. You know, that old chestnut.

My family used to go to church when I was a lot younger, but that seemed to die out pretty quick. Maybe it didn’t speak to them. To be honest religion was kind of frightening to me when I was a child. I would question every single thing I did, fearing that the devil had me in his grasp. My imagination was too big for my own good when I was a kid.

How you are raised can determine a lot of your qualities in adulthood. When you are born there is a tiny empty basket with your name on it. Then people come and throw values and morals and ways of thinking into your basket. Television and the media add a bit here and there. Societal and social conditioning programmed into the squishy human shaped creature that you call you.

No wonder most people’s twenties are so shaky. They leave everything they’ve known, all their comforts, and have to learn what life is truly like for the other 75% of their existence. Try getting a bigger basket, and then add your own opinions and rules and learned behaviors.  Is this something my mother would do? What would my best friend think?

Life will always be scary. Mysterious. Take a deep breath. Look up into the sky. Repeat after me: “Fuck it”. Look deep within for a while. What in that basket is truly, 100% yours? Rearrange it. Decorate it if you must. Don’t forget to be yourself. You could always just do what I did.

Burn the basket.

The Delicate Dance of the Lost and Found

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Current Listening: ART IS DEAD by Bo Burnham & Blue Blue Blue by Mike Slap

 

I had a really good blog post going. Came back to my computer and it was gone. So alas, it was lost to Limbo. I thought this site had auto save…

I sometimes have the thought that I’m taking on too much at once. I recently had this thought because I am about to take on yet another job. I’ll be working 7 days a week and still be a full time student that goes to the gym 4 days a week. I think sleep will fit in there somewhere. Maybe it is a lot to take on. But it also seems when I have too much free time I do stupid things like be lazy, worry too much, fall in love, or watch entirely too much television. Bring on the busy.

Have you ever had something be so apart of you, but then it just disappears? Fades into the background, lost and forgotten. Like a hobby, talent, way of speech, or even feelings. Sometimes we intentionally lose things. When you find them again, is it painful? Exciting? Maybe these things come and go when we need them to. The delicate dance of the lost and found.

I’ve come into a bit of conflict lately. Nothing huge, just dramatic. It goes without saying that some people just do not like me. Which is totally fine! Sometimes my very nature invites conflict. I am stubborn and won’t change for anyone but myself. If I see something that is wrong, or stand up for myself, I know in my heart it is for a reason. You want to knock me for that? You’re taking the stairs while I have a key to the elevator. I’ll see you when you get to the top.

Recently I’ve been painfully aware and observant of people. Every single one of us has a story. Has emotions. Bad days. Secrets. Weird habits. Love. I was going down to the docks to look at the stars and decompress. A car pulled up and parked in a familiar spot. There was a man and a woman inside. Music shaking the windows with vibrations. They were laughing. How long have they known each other? Are they just friends? Is this the last time they get to see each other? Everything in life is so beautifully complicated and dense. There is always so much going on. You should never stand still. Get up. Make your little story BIG. Write it in pen. And give a big middle finger to anyone trying to stop you.

 

I will be posting more often throughout the week. Stay tuned.

 

 

 

 

Comes and Goes Like Waves…

Currently listening to: Downer by STRFKR and No Rain by Blind Melon

 

Another week flies by. It is amazing how much can fit into seven little days. A metric shit ton apparently. It feels as though I am on this high-speed train on a track of constant change. Nothing stays the same lately. Things are happening fast. Things are wonderful. Things are scary. The best part is life isn’t boring. Silver linings.

It’s amazing how depression works. You could be super happy, productive, social, and healthy…. then BAM! Here it is again. Seemingly for no reason. It comes and goes like waves. Like a disease that lies dormant until something sets it off and brings it to the surface. Like an old friend that you weren’t too keen on seeing, but just shows up and asks to stay the night.

I’ve been thinking about leaving this place. Putting my nose to the grindstone and saving ungodly amounts quietly, then disappearing. I don’t exactly feel like leaving Oregon is for me yet. Maybe somewhere bigger, and more beautiful. Ashland? Bend? I want to go somewhere where I am invisible. Somewhere I can rise from the ashes and reinvent myself. Exciting prospect that.

I opened a letter from a friend a few days ago that said they appreciate how I roll with the punches. How brave I can be. How I take on the world and problems with a smile and always bounce back. You can’t possibly imagine how much that was needed in that moment. I fucking love people sometimes.

To whom it may concern… i.e.: anyone who cares to check out this page. I will probably be posting more on here more frequently. I’ll still be doing a Friday retrospective as per usual, but I’ll be dropping more stuff. Stuff from my stories, poems, anxieties, and random brain droppings. I started writing again, in my beautiful new journal, and it has felt so good. Like a superpower has returned.

Mantras are important. Find a phrase that ignites emotion. That lifts you. And repeat it here and there throughout the day. “I love myself” “My family is everything” “I am important” “Don’t be an idiot” “Hooty Hoo” ….. whatever sets your soul on fire. I promise it does wonders. Create those pathways.

I believe introductions are in order…

26 or so years ago a small creature was born. That creature was named Nicklaus Alexander Lindemann.

Hi, my name is Nick, and I am a quitter. I quit things. This isn’t complaining or any type of self-loathing, it is a fact. I will pick something up, and before too long put it back down. It is in my nature. I am ADHD, a serial procrastinator, and a fatal amount of lazy.

A short time ago I took a step back and looked at my life, every aspect of it, my successes and failures, all of my past and future dreams and goals, and I wrote them down. I found that my biggest issue wasn’t my job, my living situation, or the people around me, it was in fact me that was the problem.

I was now in my mid-twenties with little to show for it. I wasn’t the superhero I envisioned I would be when I was a kid. My own selfish behaviors and even crappier habits turned me into my own villain. My own archenemy. I needed to find a way to rectify this. I now had this knowledge, now what to do with it?

I had to come up with a plan. It had to be a good one, because I have been digging a hole for several years, and I was in dire need of a ladder.

I enrolled in college. I am trying currently for a Bachelors in Criminal Justice with a minor in Business. I’m aiming to be a probation officer for kids, being a troubled kid myself back in the day. I’ve been doing this for over a year now and I’m actually doing really well.

I met a wonderful and beautiful girl named Natasha. I vowed to be 100% honest and true, letting her know me inside and out, problems and all. We truly love each other and she has been the most supportive person in my life. I cannot believe how lucky I am to have her. I still pinch myself.

I have always been creative, and always have had a humongous imagination pouring ideas out all over the place. I would start writing poetry or a story, and give up on it before it started. I SAY NAY! I am a writer! I will finish my shit! I will own it.

I am now in the process of finishing my first novel, several short stories, and a poetry collection. I am even in the beginning stages of an Inspirational guide/self-help series ‘Finding the Superhero Within’. This blog will now be a part of my writing habit as well.

There you have it. There is the short and sweet version. It doesn’t even scratch the surface of all there is to Mr. Lindemann, but if you stick around, you might pick up more pieces to the puzzle. I’m still finding some myself.

If things aren’t going the way you want them to in life, take inventory. Take that step back, find out what is wrong, find what is missing. It could be the people you surround yourself with, which you might have to cut the bad fruit from the tree. I know it is hard to accept, but it can be that YOU are the problem. I promise you, once you own that, it is almost a spiritual experience.

Nothing is set in stone. Grab your life by the balls and start getting the results that you dream of. Stop wasting time. Start taking risks. LIVE YOUR LIFE. You only get one after all.

 

That little creature all grown up,

Nicklaus Lindemann