Something I’ve never cared to admit is that I am afraid of being alone. Even to myself most of the time. I’m not really sure where this sensation comes from. I’ve had family and friends almost always in life, supporting and putting up with me. I’m not being so cliché as to say this has to do with having or not having a lover either. Lately I have felt TRULY alone. You know what? It might be the most important feeling in my life.
Having been such a different person five months ago is weird. I considered myself a piece of shit and at a very low point. Depression, anger, and any other negative emotion one can think of. Now today, five months later, I am a far superior version of myself. Now I am more thoughtful, kind, careful, have bigger commitment, and I am happier and healthier than I’ve been in a long time. In such a short time. That is what is scary. If you have in your twenties, hopefully a good sixty years left on Earth….. and for life to change so drastically in a matter of months… god my head hurts. In 5 months I could devolve into an even worse person than before. In 5 more months I could be successful and buff and incredibly kind-hearted.
Everything is so shaky in the balance. Everyone states that we go through ‘phases’. I don’t think that is true. We change so rapidly. Those phases were really us just on different levels. We were higher, we were lower, we were even lower, and then higher than we have ever been. I feel like, if I make a promise to stay true to myself, be alone, FEEL the alone. Get to know myself on a deeper level and grow. Practice consistency, practice patience. Be the best version of myself. No more phases. Be aware of the highs and lows and know I am in control. The only way I will be able to do this, is alone.
Being alone isn’t something to fear. It is a gift. I have at this very moment the most opportunities to make myself awesome. No one to answer to. No one to get lower with. Being alone is a superpower. Now is my time to shine. Buckle your seatbelts.
I know I said I would post more. I have three different things that I am going to post, but they felt to rough to put out just yet. Hope you enjoy them when they come. One more letter left.