Friendship? Part I

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I’m going to keep part 1 brief, as this type of conversation tends to evoke quite a bit of emotion lately.

I can’t remember a time in my life when I didn’t have friends. Even when I was homeless briefly in Colorado where I knew literally no one, I ended up with a handful of life long buddies. I truly do not see my life as anywhere near the same without the people surrounding me.

They fall out sometimes though don’t they? Sometimes its brutal and final. Sometimes it’s accidental and seemingly for no reason. Sure, you see each others posts on social media, give them a few likes, that doesn’t count – we’ll save social media for a future post. 

Someone wonderful returned into my life recently, and with the use of instinct in correlation with logic (see previous post) I decided this is a beyond great thing to happen and it is the best thing for me. This person wasn’t only my best friend before, but much more than that. Reconnecting with that type of force after losing it is a strong smack in the face. So many feelings and thoughts, fears and concerns, and above all: hope. 

But what happens when that person tells you of bad things your other friends did during the separation? How they disrespected you, talked bad about you, or completely disregarded you. See, I have already cut a lot of bad fruit from the tree lately, through mistrust to complete belligerent anger, so my friends list has lowered considerably. Then you get new information that others wronged you. It makes you think who I’ve wronged. Do I accidentally slip away from people? Talk smack about them? UGGGHHH…..

This post is part one for a reason. I have so much more to say. So much more to search for. People are so hard to deal with. It’s hard to be one! But I am not ashamed to admit that I need them. We all are experiencing this reality in a different and very personal way. I’m going to try to see things from others perspective to see if I can crack the code on this batshit existence.

Instinct VS. Logic

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Sorry for my tardiness my people. Life tends to come at you fast and always dish out a random number of stresses and encounters you weren’t prepared for. I’ll try to keep my consistency in check from here on out.

As I said above, life is messy. My life this year alone so far has been CRAZY as hell. Not that I would have it any other way, but it does make one think. When I have too much free time I tend to ponder down rabbit holes. From which I usually come back unscathed….. sometimes.

I had a conversation with a good friend a few months ago regarding the gut, and whether or not it should be trusted. I went on to argue that brain and logic should be priority first for the gut may not be able to be trusted. The friend said that was bull hockey, and that they always trust the gut. It was a short conversation. I didn’t give it much thought until recently.

I think I made logic a priority because I had made so many stupid decisions in the past. Things that lead to people being hurt, losing opportunities, or lost people I loved. The truth is I was just hazily riding through life, on auto pilot. Sure I used to trust my gut, but I had no brain involved in situations. As I continue to try to better myself and my life situation, I have found an important thought: The gut and the brain live in me, idiot.

Both of these VERY important elements of me, are apart of me. They both serve a purpose. Things keep happening for me. Jobs, friendships, relationships, wonderful fun things, bad things.  Have you ever deliberately tried to work with just logic or just the gut? I tried a whole day at work only using my gut. I got angry, made mistakes, and ended up being suspended for three days. When I came back I tried to be completely logical. And in turn wasn’t the most helpful to my fellow co-workers. These two things must merge to have a good and fulfilling life. It’s time they tie the knot.

Create a union between instinct and logic. Gut and brain. Make sure those fuckers are best friends. Your life might depend on it. Scary concept sure, but helpful all the same. This is so crazy to me. I sit down to write, and I end up being my own therapist. This is drugs. This is medicine for me. From this moment on I must trust my gut, and bring my brain into all situations. Let us see where this takes us, shall we?

 

 

 

Dreaming Alone

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Something I’ve never cared to admit is that I am afraid of being alone. Even to myself most of the time. I’m not really sure where this sensation comes from. I’ve had family and friends almost always in life, supporting and putting up with me. I’m not being so cliché as to say this has to do with having or not having a lover either. Lately I have felt TRULY alone. You know what? It might be the most important feeling in my life.

Having been such a different person five months ago is weird. I considered myself a piece of shit and at a very low point. Depression, anger, and any other negative emotion one can think of. Now today, five months later, I am a far superior version of myself. Now I am more thoughtful, kind, careful, have bigger commitment, and I am happier and healthier than I’ve been in a long time. In such a short time. That is what is scary. If you have in your twenties, hopefully a good sixty years left on Earth….. and for life to change so drastically in a matter of months… god my head hurts. In 5 months I could devolve into an even worse person than before. In 5 more months I could be successful and buff and incredibly kind-hearted. 

Everything is so shaky in the balance. Everyone states that we go through ‘phases’. I don’t think that is true. We change so rapidly. Those phases were really us just on different levels. We were higher, we were lower, we were even lower, and then higher than we have ever been. I feel like, if I make a promise to stay true to myself, be alone, FEEL the alone. Get to know myself on a deeper level and grow. Practice consistency, practice patience. Be the best version of myself. No more phases. Be aware of the highs and lows and know I am in control. The only way I will be able to do this, is alone.

Being alone isn’t something to fear. It is a gift. I have at this very moment the most opportunities to make myself awesome. No one to answer to. No one to get lower with. Being alone is a superpower. Now is my time to shine. Buckle your seatbelts.

 

I know I said I would post more. I have three different things that I am going to post, but they felt to rough to put out just yet. Hope you enjoy them when they come. One more letter left.