Breaking down the barriers Part I

I have never considered myself religious. Although for a few years now, I have become somewhat spiritual. This began when I started to question the universe, existence, and why we are really here. You know, that old chestnut.

My family used to go to church when I was a lot younger, but that seemed to die out pretty quick. Maybe it didn’t speak to them. To be honest religion was kind of frightening to me when I was a child. I would question every single thing I did, fearing that the devil had me in his grasp. My imagination was too big for my own good when I was a kid.

How you are raised can determine a lot of your qualities in adulthood. When you are born there is a tiny empty basket with your name on it. Then people come and throw values and morals and ways of thinking into your basket. Television and the media add a bit here and there. Societal and social conditioning programmed into the squishy human shaped creature that you call you.

No wonder most people’s twenties are so shaky. They leave everything they’ve known, all their comforts, and have to learn what life is truly like for the other 75% of their existence. Try getting a bigger basket, and then add your own opinions and rules and learned behaviors.  Is this something my mother would do? What would my best friend think?

Life will always be scary. Mysterious. Take a deep breath. Look up into the sky. Repeat after me: “Fuck it”. Look deep within for a while. What in that basket is truly, 100% yours? Rearrange it. Decorate it if you must. Don’t forget to be yourself. You could always just do what I did.

Burn the basket.

The Delicate Dance of the Lost and Found

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Current Listening: ART IS DEAD by Bo Burnham & Blue Blue Blue by Mike Slap

 

I had a really good blog post going. Came back to my computer and it was gone. So alas, it was lost to Limbo. I thought this site had auto save…

I sometimes have the thought that I’m taking on too much at once. I recently had this thought because I am about to take on yet another job. I’ll be working 7 days a week and still be a full time student that goes to the gym 4 days a week. I think sleep will fit in there somewhere. Maybe it is a lot to take on. But it also seems when I have too much free time I do stupid things like be lazy, worry too much, fall in love, or watch entirely too much television. Bring on the busy.

Have you ever had something be so apart of you, but then it just disappears? Fades into the background, lost and forgotten. Like a hobby, talent, way of speech, or even feelings. Sometimes we intentionally lose things. When you find them again, is it painful? Exciting? Maybe these things come and go when we need them to. The delicate dance of the lost and found.

I’ve come into a bit of conflict lately. Nothing huge, just dramatic. It goes without saying that some people just do not like me. Which is totally fine! Sometimes my very nature invites conflict. I am stubborn and won’t change for anyone but myself. If I see something that is wrong, or stand up for myself, I know in my heart it is for a reason. You want to knock me for that? You’re taking the stairs while I have a key to the elevator. I’ll see you when you get to the top.

Recently I’ve been painfully aware and observant of people. Every single one of us has a story. Has emotions. Bad days. Secrets. Weird habits. Love. I was going down to the docks to look at the stars and decompress. A car pulled up and parked in a familiar spot. There was a man and a woman inside. Music shaking the windows with vibrations. They were laughing. How long have they known each other? Are they just friends? Is this the last time they get to see each other? Everything in life is so beautifully complicated and dense. There is always so much going on. You should never stand still. Get up. Make your little story BIG. Write it in pen. And give a big middle finger to anyone trying to stop you.

 

I will be posting more often throughout the week. Stay tuned.

 

 

 

 

Comes and Goes Like Waves…

Currently listening to: Downer by STRFKR and No Rain by Blind Melon

 

Another week flies by. It is amazing how much can fit into seven little days. A metric shit ton apparently. It feels as though I am on this high-speed train on a track of constant change. Nothing stays the same lately. Things are happening fast. Things are wonderful. Things are scary. The best part is life isn’t boring. Silver linings.

It’s amazing how depression works. You could be super happy, productive, social, and healthy…. then BAM! Here it is again. Seemingly for no reason. It comes and goes like waves. Like a disease that lies dormant until something sets it off and brings it to the surface. Like an old friend that you weren’t too keen on seeing, but just shows up and asks to stay the night.

I’ve been thinking about leaving this place. Putting my nose to the grindstone and saving ungodly amounts quietly, then disappearing. I don’t exactly feel like leaving Oregon is for me yet. Maybe somewhere bigger, and more beautiful. Ashland? Bend? I want to go somewhere where I am invisible. Somewhere I can rise from the ashes and reinvent myself. Exciting prospect that.

I opened a letter from a friend a few days ago that said they appreciate how I roll with the punches. How brave I can be. How I take on the world and problems with a smile and always bounce back. You can’t possibly imagine how much that was needed in that moment. I fucking love people sometimes.

To whom it may concern… i.e.: anyone who cares to check out this page. I will probably be posting more on here more frequently. I’ll still be doing a Friday retrospective as per usual, but I’ll be dropping more stuff. Stuff from my stories, poems, anxieties, and random brain droppings. I started writing again, in my beautiful new journal, and it has felt so good. Like a superpower has returned.

Mantras are important. Find a phrase that ignites emotion. That lifts you. And repeat it here and there throughout the day. “I love myself” “My family is everything” “I am important” “Don’t be an idiot” “Hooty Hoo” ….. whatever sets your soul on fire. I promise it does wonders. Create those pathways.